Don’t hide your inner swan behind a wall of can’t

Have you ever told yourself, “I can’t … (fill in the blank)”? It’s helpful if you’re honest.

Truthfully speaking, we have all been there before.

Sometimes we’re our own biggest critics. Other times, it seems like there’s no shortage of people standing in line to inform us of what we can and can’t do.

How harmful can minimization be? After all, isn’t this something that’s been going on since Cain and Abel? Yes, but look at what happened to Abel.

Sometimes kids say the most memorable and innocent one-liners. I’ll never forget when my youngest son, Micah, around 4 years old, said, “Dad I can’t … !”

I interrupted him before he could finish his thought asking him, “Who told you that lie?”

The look on his face was priceless and after a moment of deep reflection, he said something to the effect of, “Dad, does this mean I’ve been lying to myself?”

He’s now 16 and I’m unable to remember the last time I heard him say the words “I can’t.”

Is it possible the words “I can’t” are the most vulgar in the English language?

Minimization “is a type of deception involving denial coupled with rationalization in situations where complete denial is implausible; downplaying the significance of an event or emotion is a common strategy in dealing with feelings of guilt,” according to Wikipedia.

Why is minimization so counterproductive and how does it lead to marginalization?

Minimization is dangerous in all forms because it allows for the direct or indirect negating of responsibility for ourselves.

And to the degree, we believe we’re not responsible, we unconsciously and subtly open the door for a crippling paralysis of our life’s purpose. If unchecked, that leads to a job or a life condition that forever confines us to a marginalized position of our own making.

Minimization is dangerous business. Without proper intervention, it can convince anyone to believe lies preventing them from living out their God-given purpose; thus, marginalizing inborn/innate abilities forever suppressing inherent strengths.

There’s this little saying I coined. I sparingly use with my children, rarely use with counselees and mostly with my middle son, Josh, who has Down syndrome. I playfully say with a big smile, “You believe that lie if you need to!”

This often helps with redirection, allowing him to move past obsessing about something that’s not true or seeing beyond distortions that are creating a false sense of reality. Thus, it humorously empowers him to avoid minimizing, simultaneously preventing marginalizing himself or others around him. By this technique, we’re able to avoid the ugly duckling syndrome and see the swan for the beautiful creature it is.

What if minimization is more than a psychological term or clinical jargon found in academic books? What if it represents powerful deceptions allowing people to rationalize beliefs about things that just aren’t true? What if those beliefs place you or someone you care about in an awkward position? What if you’ve been playing the ugly duckling part way too long?

Well, let me ask you the same question I’ve asked all my children.

Who told you that lie? And, more importantly, how long are you going to continue believing you’re a duck when in actuality you’re a swan?

Deep down we don’t continue believing lies about ourselves because we are disillusioned or afraid of failure; rather we keep up the ugly duckling masquerade because we fear somehow we will be held responsible to a standard of greatness if others ever realized the depths of purpose and unbridled potential existing under the mask of minimization.

Whether it’s the “I can’t” curse words used to minimize responsibility or ugly duckling syndrome or self-deception to sooth an underachieving guilty conscience, you believe that lie if you need it, but we all know a swan when we see one.